I attend this small group called "The Gathering," every Saturday night, and tonight we talked about some pretty heavy stuff. We talked about letting our guard down spiritually, and about how we should always equip ourselves with the full armor of God. We all realized that we have been kind of slacking on our Bible reading, and we decided to all make a New Year's resolution to read the Bible in one year. What's awesome about this New Year's Resolution is that not only will it help with spiritual growth, but all of us will be there to hold one another accountable. 

You see, more often than not, people do not accomplish their New Year's resolutions. In fact, I came across a study that suggested that only 8% of people fulfil these little annual covenants! And you know what? I have got some news for you! 

If your New Year's resolution looks like this:

Then odds are you are either lazy, or you have just gone plain mad.

Of course I am kidding, but on a serious note, the reason why people fail is because they lack motivation and accountability! I am thankful for my Christian friends who will be there to support me all throughout 2014.

I encourage my brothers and sisters to get more into their word this upcoming year! Reading our Bibles is so very important, because not only does the condition and maturity of our spiritual life affect our relationship with God, but it also affects our relationships with others--including those we are supposed to be setting an example for! 

I think that I need to equip myself with the armor of God because Satan can use this second baby journey to try and discourage me, or even try to destroy my marriage. He can take anything beautiful and try to distort it. Sometimes trying to conceive takes a long time, and I don't want to get irritable or take my frustrations out on those I love. I have to be prepared for the challenges that may lie ahead!

I am considering starting a separate blog about my New Year's resolution to read the entire Bible in one year, and have my fans follow along with me. If you think that you would be interested in taking that journey with me, or if you think that you would be interested in reading that sort of blog, message me on my Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/MySecondPregnancyJourney

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All these possible consequences began weighing on my mind. What if after all our effort this month, my period still comes? I don't know if I am honestly ready to take that kind of emotional agony. Then, to go through that for months, or years? I am so afraid that I will get overly frustrated and that it will negatively affect my marriage. Plus, what if I start trying too hard and then it does become a chore? These thoughts kind of overwhelm me. I went to bed wanting to bang my head on something...

Yes, you are free to use it too.

You know, I actually read in a study somewhere that higher stress levels can contribute to giving the female sperm higher chances. I don't know if it's true, so who's to say? (Maybe I just don't want to find comfort in that because then I won't be stressed anymore. Ha! I admit nothing!) I shall continue walking around the house yelling, "Woe, unto me!!!"

You know, trying to conceive isn't the only stress factor in my life. You see, I am far away from much of my family. In particular, I care alot about my younger siblings. After my mother passed away, I felt more defensive of them, like I should be the one to protect them. In fact if it was up to me I would adopt all four of them! On July 4th of last year, my father got remarried. This upset alot of my younger siblings because my mom had only passed away about a year and a half prior. It was like watching some kind of Disney Channel movie, where the kids hate the step mom, so they try to break them up. I encouraged my siblings to give her a chance, and after 3 short months of dating they were married. The kids barely had time to adapt! 

I was just happy that they were able to leave the terrible living conditions they were in before. I know what that was like, because I grew up in that house. I have such bad memories of that house, that I often have nightmares where my husband drops me off at my childhood home and never comes back to get me, and I stay there crying. Maybe I should get some therapy...

So last year, just a few short months after they began their marriage, my father decided to shun me out of his life. When I say this was for no reason, I literally mean, for NO reason. He would throw parties, and tell my siblings not to tell me about them, or he would tell me he was not doing anything for the holidays, but secretly have something going on. The worst part is, he never told me what I was doing wrong! 

I actually had to make an appointment--yes, an APPOINTMENT with them to visit my sister on her birthday, because when I had tried to show up the day of, they told me it was a school night for the children....as if that made sense. So when I show up for the appointment, my father is the one to answer the door. He peers behind him nervously and says, "Oh, we weren't expecting you..."

Inside, I felt like this:

" Oh, you!"

When I went inside, my siblings were all excited and they ran to greet me. The excitement quickly was shot down when my step mother yelled, "GO SIT DOWN!" They all sulked back to the dinner table where they were eating, without even giving me so much as a hug. Having a mother figure was better than having no mother at all...right?

By the time they were done eating and were able to greet me, I had to leave. That was the last time that I would see them for months. They lived in a gated community, and I couldn't visit without their prior consent. Of course they would never even answer the phone! 

Then, recently, and this is heartbreaking for me to say, they moved. Yes they moved to a completely different state. You want to know what the worst part is? They never told me. They just got up and left, without so much as a goodbye. I may not have grown up in a "normal" family, but I know enough to know that that was NOT normal. I am still my father's daughter. His grandson doesn't even know him, and did not care to be in his life, just like he didn't care to be in the life of any of his children before me. 

My father has hurt so many people. He has 10 children, and all that he has left behind has had to grow up with an emptiness in their heart. Some of them came to the Lord and only he was able to fill in that gap. After all, he is the best father anyone could ever ask for.

I miss my siblings terribly, but you know what? I praise the God who gives and takes away! Whenever I feel angry, sad, or bitter, I know that I can find my solace there. No matter how upset I am, I will never, nor have I ever, been upset at God. He always knows what he's doing. If any one of you feel like you've lost it all, I encourage you to read the book of Job in the Bible, even if you are not a believer, there is something that everyone can take from it.

I am going to post a song that has helped me get through every painful obstacle in my life. It is called, "It is well with my soul." Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI

God bless you, because even through the pain, he is blessing me.

Like my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/MySecondPregnancyJourney

***

My husband and I met in middle school. We sat across from each other every day in the eighth grade and he was always too nervous to talk to me. In fact, he had a horrible speech impediment at the time, and couldn't utter even a sentence without stuttering! Our eyes would meet and he would always look away, or lower his head. We never spoke a word to each other until years later.

We ended up being zoned for the same high school and landed ourselves in a honors biology class together in the 10th grade. I remember he would sit behind me, and play with my hair. I could hear him whispering to one of his friends saying, "she doesn't feel it!" Well, yes, in fact I could. I just chose to ignore it. I always had trouble with boys trying to flirt with me in highschool, and besides, I had been going steady with my then boyfriend for 2 years! I put up with months of him incessantly playing with my hair, and we had yet to speak to one another.

He was quite the "class clown." He would always get people laughing pretty hard, but one day, it was too much for our teacher to handle. This woman broke down into tears--God bless her soul! I was so upset for her that I finally gifted this little jokester my first words to him. This is what I said:

"Wilmer. SHUT UP!"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, those were the first words ever given to my husband, and let me just say, that wasn't the last time I said them! 

He never replied, only shrugged back in his seat. 

Then, as fate would have it, we had a math class together in our senior year. We were each assigned math partners whom we would do almost every assignment with--even tests! I lost my partner due to her many absences, and the jokester's partner dropped out. Both of us were partnerless and naturally, the teacher assigned us as math partners. This is where ALL the crazy begins.

I had my boyfriend still, and he had his girlfriend, but that didn't matter because we were merely partners. Then one day I missed school when we were supposed to do a partner quiz, so we had to stay after school together to work on it. I remember we were still kind of distant, but after talking for a while and being stuck there waiting for his father to come pick us up, we really bonded. I found out he had preached a few times, and that his father was the Pastor of their bilingual church. When I would ask him about his beliefs, he didn't even know himself. I took it upon myself to teach him all that I knew, and to help him grow for Christ.

You see, May 21, 2010, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Maybe that means nothing to some, and maybe that means everything in the world to others. Well for me, it did mean everything. I completely changed. I learned to be strong, and I learned how to really truly love. He literally changed me. I began working with sunday school children and have ever since! I was such a "Bible Thumper," as people would say (and yes, quite frankly I do take that as a compliment,) that I would actually bring my Bible to school with me. After hearing he wanted to preach again soon, I got his number so that during my reading I could send some verses his way to help him out with his message. 

Over Thanksgiving break I realized that I actually missed him! It was nice to have a close friend that understood ministry life! I would read my Bible purposely searching out answers to help him! I remember I would use my mother's phone to text him since I didn't have one at the time!

After break, he admitted to me that he had missed me too! There were still no romantic feelings at the time, just honest fellowship. We would end up staying after school often to make up work and I remember I offered to buy him lunch at the Mcdonald's close by. He thought it was so strange that a girl would offer to pay for a man's food. After kind of bantering back and forth, he finally agreed.

The seat that we shared lunch in that day, we always sit in. That is our special place, where all the sparks began to fly! One day during our many after-school excursions, he introduced me to his mother. She was working there at the high school as a custodian after hours. The strangest chain of events happened after meeting her that day. She was speaking to me in Spanish saying, "Mariah, Wilmer has gotten no help from other girls. I have been praying for God to send an angel into his life to help him change." Then she cupped my face in her hands and in English said, "You, You are that Angel."

When she said that, I had the most indescribable feeling. I felt like for the first time I believed in soul mates. Call it ludicrous, but I felt like God was speaking through her saying that Wilmer and I were meant to be together. I didn't like the thought, because I loved the boyfriend I was with, and I knew he had a girlfriend. I was a Godly young woman, not a boyfriend stealer! Wilmer looked sheepish, clearly embarrassed by his mother's social retardation. That night, I got on my knees at my bedside, and this was my prayer:

"Lord, I had such an odd feeling when Wilmer's mother said what she said today. God, if somehow, what I felt was real, and you desire for us to be together, then give me a sign. Lord, please do not be angry with my request, because I know we are not to test the Lord our God. But please Lord, as you did with Gideon, give me a sign."

I woke up the next day tired from praying and studying the Bible. I dragged my feet into my first period of the day and plopped down into my chair. Then, something caught my attention. The girl sitting next to me had something stuck to her shirt. I smoothed it out for her, and it was a sticker. She muttered a quiet, "thank you," and continued on with her conversation with some friends behind us. The sticker featured a blonde angel on it, and read, "You, you are that angel."

At first I assumed it was some cheap sticker made by some random poor little chinese boy in a foreign country. Why did it say "you" twice? Then all of a sudden it HIT me. And my eyes damn near popped out of their sockets. I turned to her and read the sticker again. That phrase was exactly what Wilmer's mother had said to me in English the day before! In fact, everything she said was in Spanish except for that phrase! Hell, there was even a comma where she paused for dramatic effect! I was officially freaked out. I knew It was a sign. Maybe you think it was just a coincidence, but NO. Here's why.

I went home that night and got on my knees and prayed, "God, you startled me today. I don't know if that was just a coincidence or just a sign. I have a boyfriend so this isn't happening. Don't be angry with me, but I ask for another sign."

The very next day, NO LIE. My boyfriend of 3 years calls me up and tells me, "Mariah, God is telling me to break up with you. I am not coming to take you to church tonight. We can still be friends." Then shocked, only thinking about the sign, I did not even feel sad! I couldn't! I told him, "No, it's fine," and hung up. It was crazy how God was working all around me! I had only read about these kind of things in Bible stories! 

That night I got on my knees again. I felt almost like God did not know what he was doing. I prayed, "Ha! Well God you know what? Wilmer has a girlfriend still. This is not happening."

The very next day, Wilmer's girlfriend breaks up with him! By this point I have got to tell Wilmer all that is happening! I didn't really have feelings yet. We just kind of agreed God obviously wanted us together. It was almost like a mission, rather than some romantic relationship. There was no wooing or any of that. Just orders from up above. A week later, we were dating. His ex was NOT happy, and to be honest I don't blame her. I never did, but how could I explain to her all the signs I had experienced? That would sound crazy to anybody! She messaged me upset, but we managed to be friendly with one another! It seemed like big changes were ahead. I had no idea all that God had in store for me!

A few short weeks into my relationship, on January 21, 2011, my mother passed away. She was only  33 years of age. She left behind a husband, and six children, ages 1, 3, 7, 9, 16, and 17 (me.) Everyone broke down. None of my siblings went to school, but I did. I was the only one who remained strong. It was hard for all of us. I stayed at my mother's bedside praying and praying for a miracle, but it was too late. My mother and I had kind of a rough relationship. We fought often because I was the only one willing to stand up to her about her alcohol problem. I warned her of all that would come to pass, and everything that I said would happen came true. The day of my mother's death she was unconscious. She did not say one word the entire day. Then, with eyes still closed she shouted my name. Everyone pushed me towards her. With tears in my eyes I leaned in and said, "Yes, mommy?" She never answered, and she never said anything again. I stayed there with her. Blood was leaking out of her eyes, nose, mouth and ears. They had an oxygen mask on her, with gauze in her mouth to keep the blood from going everywhere. Even now, I almost cry writing this. I spent more than half my life shaking my finger at my mother, telling her what she was doing wrong, instead of doing what Jesus would have done. I should have just shown her love. I should have been tender-hearted and forgiving. God was about to teach me a very big lesson. God was going to teach me how to love unconditionally as he loves us.

Shortly after my mother's memorial, my husband's ex confessed that he had cheated on me with her. She did the right thing by telling me the truth. It hurt so badly, having to deal with my mother's death, and then being cheated on. I felt like I had no one there for me. The one person who was supposed to hold me and make me feel alright had betrayed me. God was there for me through it all. I found comfort in him alone. I found comfort by reading the story of the Prophet Hosea. God had asked Hosea to marry Gomer, who was a prostitute. God knew that Gomer would be unfaithful, and Hosea knew too. He was to marry her to be an example to the Hebrew people. Gomer was unfaithful to Hosea many times, but Hosea chose to love her and stay with her as God had asked. She even was arrested for prostitution while they were married and Hosea bought her back for way more than she was worth. This demonstrated how God loves us, even though we are often unfaithful to him, and though we were captive by sin, Jesus paid a price for us by dying on the cross. This kind of love, I knew God wanted me to possess. I chose to forgive Wilmer, and keep loving him regardless of the pain.

Thank God I did, too. Once Wilmer seen that I forgave him out of love, it moved him so much that he cried and accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. Out of all his life spent in church, it took him 18 years to finally understand what redemption was, and that was because of the unconditional love I showed him. Along the way, he cheated with this girl several more times. She was also dating someone new. He was hurting both of them and me. It was so hard for me that year. I still claim that year as the worst year of my life. I needed someone to comfort me, but I had no one. I tried to reach out, even as far as talking to his ex for comfort. I was that desperate for help, but no one was listening. I continued to give Wilmer unconditional love. Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. Whenever I felt like it was too hard and like I should give up on him, I would remember the signs in the beginning. God wanted me to be with Wilmer. Right when I thought I was going to fall apart, Wilmer fully turned to God, and put all evil things behind him. He told me he was going to change and he actually did! Ever since then, he has shown me a love I never knew existed. He began reading his Bible more, and he began preaching, and even leading others to Christ himself! My husband is a walking miracle. In fact, all of us saved in Christ are!

As if I hadn't been going through enough, my father kicked me out of my house to live on the streets. He said I was never home to take care of the kids, which of course is his job! I had all honors classes my senior year, and a lot of senior projects. We didn't have internet at my house so I would have to go to Wilmer's house to do my school work. My dad assumed I was lying to just spend time with my boyfriend. I did everything I could. I even brought home letters from my teachers at school confirming I had projects to do, and Wilmer's father even vouched for me! My father told me I had to pay 400$ a month or leave. I didn't even make that much money. I had to walk to work everyday. I got about 20 hours a week if I was lucky! We got into a big argument one cold winter night, and when he tried to hurt me I ran out of my house. I was barefoot, and only wearing a long sweater in the freezing cold! I walked about 7 miles to Wilmer's house, crying all the while. God led me, because I did not even know how to get there! It was another amazing miracle! I showed up to his house knocking on his window. He looked shocked and brought his mom. They opened the door for me and held me as I cried. I was hysterical. I stayed at their house and have lived there ever since.

Wilmer and I did not want to sin against God. The temptation was hard to not fornicate while living under the same roof! We decided to get married to please him. Wilmer got my mother's ring from my dad and proposed! He said so many beautiful words to me, bowed on one knee as he proposed in front of my whole family! From that moment on, I knew that everything that I had fought for was worth it all. God had a greater purpose through all my pain. I learned to love, and to forgive. Not just Wilmer, but everyone who had hurt me.

We went on our Honeymoon and there Isaiah Antonio Cruz was conceived! The pregnancy was great! No nausea, no stretch marks, no mood swings--that is until preeclampsia kicked in! I was so swollen that my legs literally looked like tree trucks. It was awful! Not to mention I got into a car accident at 7 months pregnant! My husband lost his car, his job, and almost his son. God gave us another miracle. Wilmer's airbag came out during the accident, but mine didn't! If it had, the impact would have killed the baby! Even then, when Wilmer was so upset, I was able to remain strong for him. God gave me a heart of gold many have told me. I hope that's true!

Three weeks after the accident I had to have an emergency induction because my preeclampsia had turned to eclampsia! I had to take medication to prevent me from having seizures! I wasn't progressing fast enough so they had to give me an emergency C-section! That was the last stressful event in my life.

Wilmer got on his knees one night and asked God to give him a good job. The very next day, someone called him and told him that no interview was needed, and that Wilmer had been given the job weeks ago. Our prayers were answered! He got a nice little office job as a Quality Assurance agent making great money, and shortly after he bought a new car! About one year later he got a promotion making crazy good money and now we have our own little home and showers of blessings.

So now, Wilmer wants a little baby girl for Isaiah to play with. If the baby is a boy we will still be happy, but if the baby is a girl, we are cutting it off right there! I come from a big family and I know that I do not want too many! Not to mention my body is in great shape now without working out. I would like to lose about 10 more pounds, but I know I look great for just having a baby! People always say that I don't look at all like I have had a baby, but my mother was the same way! She always bounced right back! I think that was the only thing really holding me back from having another baby. I worry about my body, but I have decided to work out after and get some corrective surgery. I mean, heck! If I can look this good now without working out, then what would happen if  I did? I am kind of excited! I do miss cradling a little swaddled milk-scented bundle in my arms!

My period ended recently and we are going to try to conceive in a few days while I am fertile! I am so excited! Wish me luck. :)

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