All these possible consequences began weighing on my mind. What if after all our effort this month, my period still comes? I don't know if I am honestly ready to take that kind of emotional agony. Then, to go through that for months, or years? I am so afraid that I will get overly frustrated and that it will negatively affect my marriage. Plus, what if I start trying too hard and then it does become a chore? These thoughts kind of overwhelm me. I went to bed wanting to bang my head on something...

Yes, you are free to use it too.

You know, I actually read in a study somewhere that higher stress levels can contribute to giving the female sperm higher chances. I don't know if it's true, so who's to say? (Maybe I just don't want to find comfort in that because then I won't be stressed anymore. Ha! I admit nothing!) I shall continue walking around the house yelling, "Woe, unto me!!!"

You know, trying to conceive isn't the only stress factor in my life. You see, I am far away from much of my family. In particular, I care alot about my younger siblings. After my mother passed away, I felt more defensive of them, like I should be the one to protect them. In fact if it was up to me I would adopt all four of them! On July 4th of last year, my father got remarried. This upset alot of my younger siblings because my mom had only passed away about a year and a half prior. It was like watching some kind of Disney Channel movie, where the kids hate the step mom, so they try to break them up. I encouraged my siblings to give her a chance, and after 3 short months of dating they were married. The kids barely had time to adapt! 

I was just happy that they were able to leave the terrible living conditions they were in before. I know what that was like, because I grew up in that house. I have such bad memories of that house, that I often have nightmares where my husband drops me off at my childhood home and never comes back to get me, and I stay there crying. Maybe I should get some therapy...

So last year, just a few short months after they began their marriage, my father decided to shun me out of his life. When I say this was for no reason, I literally mean, for NO reason. He would throw parties, and tell my siblings not to tell me about them, or he would tell me he was not doing anything for the holidays, but secretly have something going on. The worst part is, he never told me what I was doing wrong! 

I actually had to make an appointment--yes, an APPOINTMENT with them to visit my sister on her birthday, because when I had tried to show up the day of, they told me it was a school night for the children....as if that made sense. So when I show up for the appointment, my father is the one to answer the door. He peers behind him nervously and says, "Oh, we weren't expecting you..."

Inside, I felt like this:

" Oh, you!"

When I went inside, my siblings were all excited and they ran to greet me. The excitement quickly was shot down when my step mother yelled, "GO SIT DOWN!" They all sulked back to the dinner table where they were eating, without even giving me so much as a hug. Having a mother figure was better than having no mother at all...right?

By the time they were done eating and were able to greet me, I had to leave. That was the last time that I would see them for months. They lived in a gated community, and I couldn't visit without their prior consent. Of course they would never even answer the phone! 

Then, recently, and this is heartbreaking for me to say, they moved. Yes they moved to a completely different state. You want to know what the worst part is? They never told me. They just got up and left, without so much as a goodbye. I may not have grown up in a "normal" family, but I know enough to know that that was NOT normal. I am still my father's daughter. His grandson doesn't even know him, and did not care to be in his life, just like he didn't care to be in the life of any of his children before me. 

My father has hurt so many people. He has 10 children, and all that he has left behind has had to grow up with an emptiness in their heart. Some of them came to the Lord and only he was able to fill in that gap. After all, he is the best father anyone could ever ask for.

I miss my siblings terribly, but you know what? I praise the God who gives and takes away! Whenever I feel angry, sad, or bitter, I know that I can find my solace there. No matter how upset I am, I will never, nor have I ever, been upset at God. He always knows what he's doing. If any one of you feel like you've lost it all, I encourage you to read the book of Job in the Bible, even if you are not a believer, there is something that everyone can take from it.

I am going to post a song that has helped me get through every painful obstacle in my life. It is called, "It is well with my soul." Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cv5V3bY6qlI

God bless you, because even through the pain, he is blessing me.

Like my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/MySecondPregnancyJourney